I find myself gazing at Lily from time to time and thinking to myself how much I am in love with her. How my life has forever changed and how I am what I always wanted to be - a Mommy. Then I think of my own mommy. I wonder if she had the same thoughts as I do now. I wonder if she ever gazed at me, not being her first child, but her first baby girl, and thought about ways we were similar. Maybe, how the color of my hair might have been like hers when she was a baby. Or did she gaze at me, like I do Lily, and think how beautiful I was? How my eyes lit up when I got excited about something. Did my mom get a little emotional when I ran up to her legs and hugged them tight, like I do when Lily does that to me? I think about these things from time to time. I think about what it was like for my mom, being much younger than I am now, having 4 children. By the time my mother was the age I am now, 35, her oldest was already 13 and her youngest was 3.
I also think about Dan. How hard it must be for him to leave every morning to go to work. How sad it must make him when I tell him of something new Lily has experienced, without him to see it for the first time himself. Then I think of my own dad. Was it hard for him? Did he ever get sad thinking of all he was missing? My father always worked hard for us. Always having at least 2 jobs, one in the morning and the other at night. I remember how sad it made me to see him leave for work but how happy I was when he came home. I have noticed Lily missing Dan. When we wake up in the morning Dan is already gone. Lily now looks over at his side of the bed and I can imagine her thinking to herself, "Where's Daddy?" Then when he comes home she is so excited to see him. Does she think about him during the day? Did I think about my dad? Or do children have a temporary time of forgetfulness when something or someone isn't there in front of them?
I never knew what it meant to be a parent until having Lily. I never knew, or never truly knew the sacrifices my parents made for us. The emotions you have for your children are strong and deep and no one can honestly grasp what it feels like until you give life. As a kid I thought I knew it all. I thought my parents were, at times, cruel for having certain rules for us. I thought they didn't understand what I was going through and so I barely opened up to them. But I am now certain they knew. As I am certain I will know what Lily is going through. I just hope that I can keep our lines of communication open. I hope Lily doesn't become her mother in that respect. I want Lily to want to talk to me about her life, her dreams, her fears. I'm sorry for not believing I could be open in that way with my own mother. A mother does not judge her child. A mother only hopes her child will make the best choices for a long and happy life. I realize that now.
So, as this Mother's Day is approaching, I'll leave on this note:
I am the luckiest mom to have such a beautiful, happy, and healthy little girl.
And to my own Mom, I love you and thank you for all you sacrificed and still sacrifice for us.
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