16 Months

Lily is now 16 months old. She has grown so much, even from just a few months ago. She talks like crazy. Literally, like crazy! We don't understand a word she says but she does and I guess that's all that matters. Her favorite thing to do now is shake her head "no." It's always "no" at first. I don't mind though because that only means she is now deciding what she wants and doesn't want. That's a good thing - she's making choices.

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Ok. I'm gonna be totally real here for a second and talk about how I've been feeling for a while now. I don't mean this to be rude in any way. This is just how I feel and if I am wrong or anyone has anything to say about what I am about to write down here, then by all means let me know…

You hear it all the time: 

• A friend gets a boyfriend so "I guess we're not seeing her anymore."
• A friend gets married so "I guess we're not seeing her anymore."
• A friend has a baby so "I guess we're not seeing her anymore."

I would just like to put it out there: Why aren't you seeing her anymore?

Is it because she really is ignoring you? Is it because she wants to spend every waking hour with her significant other or baby? Ok, sometimes, yes, that is the case. BUT, when, let's just say for argument's sake, your friend, who happens to be married with a baby, tries to hang out, even suggests days to do it a few weeks or even a month beforehand, and you don't even give that friend a reply until a couple of days before one of those days is about to occur and your answer is "no." Then you have the audacity to always email or text her - never an actual phone call - that you miss her and "we have to get together soon." What the hell is that about? Your friend with the husband and baby has done all but BEG you for a girls night or day, doesn't matter which because she is a Stay-At-Home-Mom and is ALWAYS free (for the most part), which she has told you time and time again to no avail because it's always "Oh I miss you. We need to get together. Let me know when you're free." Uh, DUH!!! I have said over and over again, "I am free all the time. You're the one who works, you tell me when you're free."

I can go on here but let me just end it with this. I am tired. I am tired of my so called friends who have dropped me because I got married. I am tired of my so called friends who have dropped me because I had a baby. I am tired of trying to make plans when those so called friends always either say "no," or cancel at the last minute. I am tired of reading emails and texts that say "I miss you. We need to see each other soon." I am tired of calling someone a friend who, in all honesty, really isn't anymore.

I hate that my life, the one I am so happily involved in, has made it impossible for me to keep the "friends" that I thought I had. A true friend would find the time. A true friend wouldn't always say, "I miss you" and then do nothing to remedy that. A true friend, no matter how busy life is, would make it a point to keep in touch, if not by hanging out, by a simple phone call or an actual email that we can go back and forth with that involves what's been going on in our lives. A true friend would NEVER ignore a desperate plea to have a girls night/day because a true friend would be concerned about why it was a "desperate plea" to begin with.

Am I done with my so called friends? I don't know. All I know is I was never the one who cancelled plans or said no to a day out. I was the one who suggested days and took the calls, texts, emails that said "no" to hanging out and "sorry but I have to cancel our plans."

For those friends who have actually been keeping in touch, I thank you.

If I get a response out of this then I will know who my real friends are. I will know that my friends actually read this blog. After all, it is a blog about what's going on in my life and you would think that a person who "really misses" me would be reading it.

Sorry. I think I'm finished discussing this topic. 

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On a lighter note, in our Tuesday's Mommy and Me class, Lily went up to almost every kid to steal their name stickers to put on her own shirt. She had 6 stickers by the middle of class!

15 Months, 3 1/2 Weeks

I find myself gazing at Lily from time to time and thinking to myself how much I am in love with her. How my life has forever changed and how I am what I always wanted to be - a Mommy. Then I think of my own mommy. I wonder if she had the same thoughts as I do now. I wonder if she ever gazed at me, not being her first child, but her first baby girl, and thought about ways we were similar. Maybe, how the color of my hair might have been like hers when she was a baby. Or did she gaze at me, like I do Lily, and think how beautiful I was? How my eyes lit up when I got excited about something. Did my mom get a little emotional when I ran up to her legs and hugged them tight, like I do when Lily does that to me? I think about these things from time to time. I think about what it was like for my mom, being much younger than I am now, having 4 children. By the time my mother was the age I am now, 35, her oldest was already 13 and her youngest was 3.

I also think about Dan. How hard it must be for him to leave every morning to go to work. How sad it must make him when I tell him of something new Lily has experienced, without him to see it for the first time himself. Then I think of my own dad. Was it hard for him? Did he ever get sad thinking of all he was missing? My father always worked hard for us. Always having at least 2 jobs, one in the morning and the other at night. I remember how sad it made me to see him leave for work but how happy I was when he came home. I have noticed Lily missing Dan. When we wake up in the morning Dan is already gone. Lily now looks over at his side of the bed and I can imagine her thinking to herself, "Where's Daddy?" Then when he comes home she is so excited to see him. Does she think about him during the day? Did I think about my dad? Or do children have a temporary time of forgetfulness when something or someone isn't there in front of them?

I never knew what it meant to be a parent until having Lily. I never knew, or never truly knew the sacrifices my parents made for us. The emotions you have for your children are strong and deep and no one can honestly grasp what it feels like until you give life. As a kid I thought I knew it all. I thought my parents were, at times, cruel for having certain rules for us. I thought they didn't understand what I was going through and so I barely opened up to them. But I am now certain they knew. As I am certain I will know what Lily is going through. I just hope that I can keep our lines of communication open. I hope Lily doesn't become her mother in that respect. I want Lily to want to talk to me about her life, her dreams, her fears. I'm sorry for not believing I could be open in that way with my own mother. A mother does not judge her child. A mother only hopes her child will make the best choices for a long and happy life. I realize that now.

So, as this Mother's Day is approaching, I'll leave on this note:

I am the luckiest mom to have such a beautiful, happy, and healthy little girl. 

And to my own Mom, I love you and thank you for all you sacrificed and still sacrifice for us.