You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Wow, will you look at my progression. Geez, some women only get as big as my 25 week pic, but not me! I had to go full blown belly with Lily. I love looking at my belly pics because now that Lily is here, I can't remember having such a big belly unless I look at pictures to remind me. It's strange how my mind works. I think about the labor and I know that it was unbelievably painful, but can't remember the actual pain. OK, not entirely true, but it is fading from my memory. I guess it has to do that in order for women to go through the experience again.

So, I might have another abscess on the same breast I had the other three. I'm hoping I caught it in time though so I don't need surgery. That would suck big time. The spot is red and tender like the other ones were and at night I run a low grade fever. I started antibiotics and it hasn't gotten any worse and only has gotten a little better. I started the antibiotics on Tuesday and now it is sorta at a stand still. No better, but no worse. I just hope that when I go to the hospital to see my surgeon for a check up this coming Tuesday, he doesn't say I need surgery and admits me. It's too much. I'm so tired of being tired and sick and just not feeling myself. I haven't truly felt myself since December of 2009 when I had my first miscarriage. It's way too long of a time to feel as I do. It's like a never ending thing. I thought that when Lily was born I would start to feel better. But then this whole thing happened with the abscesses and is only prolonging this "out of sorts" feeling. It's coming to a point where I'm just saying, "what else can happen?" Man, some things you just can't make up.

Lily at 1 month

How cute is our Lily? At her doctors appointment last week she measured in at 22 inches and 9 pounds, 10 ounces. She's growing so fast.

Lily's 5 Weeks Old Already

One month old as of Valentine's Day - February 14th. Time has flown and it seems like Lily has been around so much longer than a month. Lily has grown as if overnight. She now is starting to notice things that make noise. If we talk she will look at us. It's funny that sometimes when I talk to her, she will make a sound or roll her eyes as if we are having a conversation. I know it's just coincidence but it's fun to think that Dan and I have the smartest baby ever!

Heat 36"x30" © Janet E Gorman

So, we have three of my paintings hanging on the wall above our couch that Lily seems to love. Her favorite is a dark painting (pictured above) I named Heat. For some reason Lily is enthralled by it. She will stare at it for what seems like forever. If she is fussy and we have her on the couch, we can turn her direction to this painting and she stops fussing. It's weird. I don't know if she likes it, or if she's trying to figure out why the hell this ugly painting is hanging in the living room. While Lily was staring at it one day, I asked her if she's gonna paint like her mommy. She looked at the painting and made a stink face and rolled her eyes. Was that just coincidence, or does she really just hate the painting so much she can't stop looking at it. I guess we will never know.

I cannot believe I was this big a week before Lily was born. I miss my belly…if you can believe that! Now as I look at this picture, I am being serenaded with grunts from the couch where I have Lily laying. I look over and see the little baby girl that was once inside of my ginormous belly and I smile. Dan's in the kitchen and all I can think of is "We made that."

The doody snake (The Diaper Genie) bags have been wonderful at keeping the scent of grossness at bay until yesterday when we went to change the bag. I don't know how, but the bag had a rip in it and I can tell you that the smell was horrific! Just think, about 30 dirty diapers piled into one enclosed space then, SWOOP, they get released into the air. I had Dan take care of it for me. What a nice husband I have!

I Had Surgery Last Week

I had three, yes 3, separate abscesses in my left breast. Here's my story:

Please note that I decided not to show any photos of my abscesses because they are too gross. Sorry.

Week 0: January 14, 2012 to January 21, 2012

Lily was nursing so well from my right side, but was not latching on correctly on my left. Because of that, my nipple cracked and I stopped nursing on my left side. I bought an electric pump because I didn't want to stop breastfeeding. Meanwhile I continued to nurse on my right breast and supplemented some formula when needed.

Week 1: January 22, 2012 to January 28, 2012

My left nipple started feeling better and I started nursing on that side again. Even though Lily was nursing good, she wasn't getting full and would stay at my breasts for hours. It was exhausting. After a weight check for Lily we were told she wasn't gaining weight so I decided that I would primarily pump and feed her my milk from a bottle, still supplementing with formula. My left breast started feeling sore but I didn't think too much of it. Not until one night after a shower, I looked in the mirror and saw that my breast was super red. Even at that point I thought that maybe it just had to do with the hot water from the shower pounding down on it.

Week 2: January 29, 2012 to February 4, 2012

I showed my midwife, Dale, the redness of my left breast because it wasn't going away and it turned out I had a clogged milk duct. She wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic and said to massage with heat. She told me to fill the prescription if I developed a fever. Being the person I am, I never thought to take my temperature until Saturday, February 4th. Even after feeling like major crap Thursday, February 2nd and Dan telling me that I looked worse after my shower that night and sent me to bed. All day Friday and Saturday I had the chills, but never thought it could be due to a temperature. I just thought I was tired. I finally decided to take my temperature Saturday night because the clogged duct on my breast was in a couple of areas and one of them was so large it looked horrible. My temperature was 101.1. Uh oh, I really did feel like crap!

Week 3: February 5, 2012 to February 11, 2012

I called my midwife, Dale, Sunday and she advised me to start taking the antibiotic right away. I filled the prescription and after taking the antibiotic Sunday night and Monday, the really bad looking clogged duct started opening up and oozing puss. It was gross and hurt like hell. Luckily, Dan stayed home from work both Monday and Tuesday because I was in so much pain I unable to pick up Lily.

On Tuesday I went to see Dale with my mom while leaving Lily at home with Dan. She told me I had an abscess and I needed to go to the ER right away. She told me to go to Nassau University Medical Center because they have a breast surgeon there that would be able to help me. My mom and I went back to my apartment and she stayed with Lily while Dan went with me to the hospital.

At the ER they took my temperature and it was 99.4. I was seen by a very nice surgeon, Dr. Lee, after being told I would be admitted. She looked at my left breast and said that I have three abscesses. She started squeezing out the puss from the one that opened up. It was so gross and it really hurt. She excused herself from the room for about ten minutes. When Dr. Lee came back she said that I wouldn't have to be admitted if I continued to drain the abscess and come back to the surgery clinic the next day, Wednesday. When Dan and I got home, I retook my temperature and it was 102.2.

I went to the surgery clinic in the hospital on Wednesday with my mom. I saw Dr. Lee again and the breast surgeon, Dr. Gonzalez. Dr. Gonzalez took one look at my breast and admitted me. I was to have surgery Thursday to have my breast lanced and drained. He hoped that all three abscesses were connected. Could I be that lucky? Of course not. It turned out that all three abscesses were on their own and they were much deeper than Dr. Gonzalez thought they were. I came home Thursday night.

On Saturday I had to take out the packing (long gauze stuffed into the holes) from the three holes in my breast. It was bad. Over 12 feet of packing was removed. In one of the holes was a little over 5 1/2 feet of packing. It went on and on and on. I thought I would never get through taking it all out. Now my left breast looks as though I have been shot three times. I have to wear a compression bra and I'm on two different antibiotics and am taking percoset for the pain.

I go back to see Dr. Gonzalez tomorrow. Hopefully everything is healing well and I'm on the road to recovery. Because I have to wear the compression bra all the time since the surgery, I have stopped pumping my breast milk. Lily will be on formula all the time now.

My Due Date Has Finally Arrived!

So, yes… my due date is today, February 3rd. My due date. Yet, three weeks ago tomorrow, Lily decided to make that her due date. I am so thankful that she did. I can't imagine how big she would have been if she didn't come three weeks early and how much more difficult that would have been to give birth to her naturally.

I miss being pregnant. I miss having Lily inside of me. I have had almost three wonderful weeks with her in my arms, but at times I am sad that we don't share the same body anymore. Sad that I can't feel her move at her every waking hour. I wasn't prepared to give that up three weeks early. I wasn't prepared to hold her in my arms so soon.

I love my daughter more than anyone I have ever loved or will love in this world. I am truly grateful for all the help we received from Gold Coast IVF so that Dan and I could have the chance to have a healthy pregnancy. Lily would not be here if not for them. Dan and I are blessed to have had this third chance at parenthood.

Being a mom has not quite sunk in yet. It might be due to the fact that I have only gone out with Lily when she or I have had a doctors appointment - so a total of three times. Just being at home with her when all she does is eat, poop, and sleep doesn't make me feel like a mother. Well, actually that's not entirely true. I feel like a mother when I can sense what she wants and needs. I am learning what her different cries and sounds mean. A mother always knows how their child feels. I get that now.

Always in a dance pose!

It's tiring to be a Stay at Home Mom. It is not an easy job. Sure, I'll have two or three hour brakes in between feedings and diaper changes but it's a constant redundant thing over and over and over again. It makes the days and weeks feel like a blur. I am so thankful for Dan. He is the best husband and father. He's trying so hard to understand what I go through in a day and is always concerned about how I am feeling. He takes over at night when he comes home from work. He also takes over on the weekends so that I can try to get a full night's sleep. I'm sure all of this will become somewhat easier as the weeks and months go on. We will get a pattern down and Lily will sleep longer hours which will give me more time to sleep, do dishes, clean, etc, etc, etc. For now though, I am stuck in this blur trying to remember when I fed Lily last and wondering if I'll have enough time to clean, take a nap, or even go to the bathroom before she needs me again to feed or change her.