Another Long Journey

This post is about our hopes to having baby #2 and the process by which we have had to endure to try and make it happen. It's a long post and I apologize.

(IF YOU DO READ THE WHOLE POST PLEASE LEAVE US A COMMENT! Your thoughts are always appreciated.)
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Try #1

On March 27th I started my cycle. By cycle I mean that annoying monthly visiter every girl dreads appearing due to the cramping, binge eating, crying, anger, and what ever other emotions and actions we may have just before, during, and just after. So there I am, with my monthly visiter on day one, calling up my fertility specialist to make an appointment for day 3 to get blood work and an ultrasound. Hooray! We get to start the process for baby #2.

Day 3 (3/29) rolls around and I go and get blood drawn and an intrauterine ultrasound done early in the morning. Gotta make sure everything looks A-OK before I can start my cycle of meds before the IUI (intrauterine insemination). That afternoon I get the go ahead to start taking Femara, also known as Letrozole, which is a drug used to stimulate ovulation in women with PCOS (polycystic Ovary Syndrome). It helps stimulate extra follicles and eggs. This has helped me before with getting pregnant with Lily. I have to take this medication for 5 days.

Day 10 (4/5) came and off to the doctor again. This time I have to get more blood drawn and another intrauterine ultrasound. They are now checking to see if the Femara helped stimulate my egg growth. It did! I had 1 good follicle on my right side and 2 on my left. By "good" I mean big. Ones that seem to be growing well. You need at least 1 follicle that is between a range of 18mm and 22mm to trigger ovulation for the IUI's. This means that if you do become pregnant, the egg will be mature (large) enough to sustain the pregnancy. This is where I have trouble on my own. My follicles don't mature enough to sustain a pregnancy, hence my 2 prior miscarriages before having Lily. Yay for modern day medicine to help me out with that! By day 10, I already had one follicle that was 21mm, another that was 18mm, and the 3rd was 15mm!

Day 13 (4/8) I went to the doctor again. My intrauterine ultrasound showed that the follicle that was 15mm had stopped growing. No big deal, I still had two more large ones and they grew even bigger since my last visit. That afternoon I got the thumbs up to take my ovulation trigger shot, Ovidrel, on day 14 (4/9).

Day 15 (4/10) IUI day #1! Alright. Here we go. Dan and I had Lily spend the night at Dan's parent's house so we wouldn't have to worry about her today. In the morning we did our thing and off to the doctor's office we went! We had super high hopes in making this IUI process work on the first shot. Evereything went well on IUI Day #1 and now for IUI Day #2.

Day 16 (4/11) IUI Day #2. As much as we missed Lily the previous night, we had her stay with my parent's this time so we could have uninterrupted IUI business. Same as the previous day, all good with a hopeful IUI outcome. Now we wait 2 weeks for a blood test to see if I'm pregnant.

Day 17 (4/12) start taking progesterone (Crinone) once a day for these 2 weeks. It will help implantation if I do become pregnant. If I do get that positive result in 2 weeks, I will be taking this medication for the whole first trimester.

2 week wait is finally over (4/25)! I went in the morning to get my blood drawn. The results are in.
NOT PREGNANT. Damn! Now we start all over again. It took 4 IUI's before getting a positive with Lily. Let's hope it only takes 2 this time.

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Try #2

On April 27th I started my cycle (day 1) and this whole process starts all over again. Just a side note: my cycle started on April 28, 2011 when the IUI worked with Lily. Could this be a coincidence? Could it be fate? If we do get pregnant this time around baby #2 will have the same due date as Lily (although Lily came 3 weeks early).

Day 3 (4/29) I go to the fertility doctor for blood work and an intrauterine ultrasound. Everything checks out and I can start taking my medication (Femara) for 5 days.

Day 10 (5/6) time to get more blood work and another intrauterine ultrasound. Looking good in there with a nice, thick lining (on the uterine wall) and it looks like I have 2 follicles that are growing on my right ovary. They aren't as big as they were last month on day 10 but they are still good. Keeping my hopes high that this time will work!

Day 12 (5/8) off to the doctor's office for yet another intrauterine ultrasound and blood work. This whole process sucks but is definitely worth it in the end.

Day 13 (5/9) oh boy! Another morning at the doctors. Blood drawn and intrauterine ultrasound complete. My results show I am ready to take the Ovidrel trigger shot to start ovulation! Dropped Lily off at my parent's house for a sleep over.

Day 14 (5/10) IUI Day #1. 80,000,000 sperm, 85% mobile, 2 mature eggs. Wow! Those are some good odds!!! Dropped Lily off at Dan's parent's house for a sleep over.

Day 15 (5/11) IUI Day #2. Praying to fertility Gods and Goddesses around the globe that this works! Now we wait 2 weeks for blood work to see if it did.

Day 16 (5/12) start taking progesterone (Crinone) once a day.

2 week wait is over (5/24)! Blood drawn in the morning. The results are in.
NOT PREGNANT. Shit. Hopefully 3rd time's a charm with this one. Now to start all over again. UGH!!!

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Try #3

On May 27th I started my cycle (Day 1). I'm so disappointed we have to go through this whole process again. The only thing that keeps me doing it is that end result - a baby. Let's all keep our fingers crossed it works this time around.

Day 3 (5/29) Blood work and an intrauterine ultrasound. Everything checked out and I start my medication (Femara) for the next 5 days.

Day 10 (6/5) Blood work and an intrauterine ultrasound. I have only one good follicle this time around on my left ovary. One is OK. You only need one to get pregnant!

Day 12 (6/7) More blood work and another intrauterine ultrasound. It's never ending. Things are moving along slowly this cycle but still is OK.

Day 15 (6/10) Can you guess what I had done? That's right! Blood work and an intrauterine ultrasound. Things looking good and I got the all clear to take the Ovidrel trigger shot tomorrow (6/11) night to start ovulation.

Day 17 (6/12) IUI Day #1. Please work!
Day 18 (6/13) IUI Day #2. PLEASE WORK!!!

Day 19 (6/14) Start taking progesterone (Crinone) once a day.

2 week wait is over (6/27)! Blood drawn. Results are in.
NOT PREGNANT. Ugh. Now our doctor wants to sit down with us to go over our options. This sucks!

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Try #4

On June 30th I started my cycle.

Day 3 (7/2) Waited until Dan got home from work to go to the doctor. Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound done. Talked with our doctor about our treatment options. Was told that even though the IUI's worked in the past (for Lily) doesn't mean they will work now. I'm older and things may just be harder for me now. I have two options:

1. Another IUI but this time instead of taking Femara on days 3 to 7, I will be doing injectables starting on day 4 through to the ovulation trigger shot. 
2. Instead of IUI, I can do an IVF. That's where they take the egg out and inject the sperm directly into it, then put it back inside me. I would do injectable with that too but not until around day 21. 

Day 4 (7/3) Decision day. It seems our insurance has been taking very minimally from our $15000 lifetime allowance for infertility treatments. This is great news because an IVF cycle is about $15000 in itself. So we have decided to do just one more IUI cycle but this time with the injectables which I will be starting tonight. If it doesn't work this time around, we will then do the IVF.

Day 5 (7/4) Injectable day 2.

Day 6 (7/5) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Injectable day 3.
Day 9 (7/8) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Injectable day 6.
Day 12 (7/11) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Injectable day 9.

Day 13 (7/12) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Injectable day 10. Finally get to take the Ovidrel trigger shot tomorrow (7/13) night to start ovulation. I have 3 good follicles which means 3 eggs should release and we have 3 chances to get pregnant. PLEASE WORK!!!!!

Day 15 (7/14) IUI Day #1. Lily is 18 months old today. PLEASE let that be good luck!
Day 16 (7/15) IUI Day #2.

Day 17 (7/16) Start taking progesterone (Crinone) once a day.

2 week wait is over (7/29)! Blood drawn. Results are in.
NOT PREGNANT. So disappointing. Because this was our first try on the injectables, we decided to do one more cycle with them.

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Try #5

On July 30th I started my cycle.

Day 3 (8/3) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Injectable day 1. This time I'm on a higher dose.

Day 7 (8/5) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Injectable day 5.

Day 10 (8/8) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Injectable day 8. Wow! The higher dose of injectables seems to be doing the job. Maybe too well. I have 15 growing follicles on my left side and
10 on my right. This was in the back of everyone's minds that might happen since I have a lot of follicles in the first place (they just don't seem to grow on their own). This time when I take my injectables I will take them at a lower dosage to try to slow things down a bit.

Day 11 (8/9) Blood work and intrauterine ultrasound. Well, the lower dosage of injectables worked and the follicles carrying growing eggs seems to have slowed down the growth a bit. The good news is that I would be the perfect candidate now for an IVF cycle since at least 7 eggs would be released when I ovulate. The bad news is that I can't do the IUI cycle we wanted this time around because at least 7 eggs would be released when I ovulate. My chances of having multiple births is too great. By multiple, I mean quadruplets! Yikes!!

What this means for us: We will now stop trying for baby #2 this year. An IVF cycle costs $15,000 plus the cost of meds. We have a little less than $14,000 left in our medical insurance to cover it but spending $2,000 or more right now out of pocket is not an option for us. We have our new house to get settled before we can spend any money on anything else.

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5 months of trying. 5 months of medication. 5 months of poking and prodding. 5 months of hope & 5 months of disappointment. 

When you are younger you never think that getting pregnant would be so hard. I will be 36 this year and you always hear that once you hit and pass 35 years of age, it gets even harder. Dan and I are so blessed to have had this process work for us 2 years ago. We have Lily and she truly is our rainbow baby - the beautiful light after our 2 heartaches. If she is to be our only child we are truly fortunate. 

We will try again so Lily may have a brother or sister. We will go through this process again, as long and painful as it may be. We will not give up hope of having another baby. In the next 4 months we will concentrate on our new house and doing everything we can on making it a great home for our family. Then, in January, we will try again. 

Thank you for reading through this blog post. I know it was long and there was no happy ending, but Dan and I feel that if this is the end, we already have our happy ending - we have each other, Lily, and a new home. 

18 Months, 2 Weeks

Lily eating tree bark. Yuck!

Well, Lily is a year and a half. She had her 18 month checkup and she now weighs in at 25lbs 10oz and 32" tall! Overall she is in the 76th percentile. A few things that were discussed:

1. Lily's soft spot is all closed up! She now has a hard head for bumping on things - which she seems to do often.
2. Lily might be allergic to bug bites. She sometimes gets infections/abscesses on her legs from mosquito bites. Gotta be watchful and the doctor says to put her in long pants whenever she's playing outside where there may be bugs. Umm? Long pants in the summertime? Maybe on a day like yesterday and today, but when it's in the 90's it'll be way too hot for that. I'll stick with the Bullfrog Mosquito Coast bug spray and sunblock in one that I got her. Seems to work.
3. Lily has been walking on her tip toes often. Nothing to be too concerned about.
4. What we are a little concerned about though is that Lily is only saying 3 words: Mama, Da, and Dance. She should be saying up to 10 words by now. The doctor thinks we should bring Lily to see a speech pathologist. I declined, for now. Lily is so smart in other areas and she knows exactly what we say and what things are - she just doesn't say the words. Dan and I are working harder now to make sure she starts speaking. If, by the time Lily is 21 months, she does not say at least 12 words, then it's time to see a specialist. She'll still be a little behind but every kid goes at their own pace. I'm not too worried right now.

Great news! 

We closed on our house on the 18th! FINALLY!!!!!!!! We have lots of work to do before we will actually move in though - which will be October 1st.

Our jungle house! Can't wait to do the landscaping :)

1. We will be ripping up and replacing all the flooring.
2. We will be ripping out and redoing the kitchen.
3. We will be taking down the knotty-pine paneling and putting up new sheetrock. Although we like it, it makes the rooms dark.
4. We will be painting all the walls.
5. We will most likely be putting up new sheetrock in the bathroom since there is wallpaper on the walls that may not come off easily.
6. We have to replace all the windows (probably).

I think that's it for now. Once we get in we DEFINITELY have to take out all of the plant life in the front yard. It's a jungle (just look at the pic)! The neighbor's should be happy about that!

17 Months, 3 Weeks

So hard to get Lily to stop moving for this pic.

Dan turned 38 last Saturday (6/29). We celebrated by going to look at cabinetry for our kitchen. We'll be closing by the end of the month so we need to start having things picked out. We also went to the appliance store and picked out what appliances we'll be getting. After that we took Lily to the pool. She had a blast! She splashed around, made some friends (personable just like her daddy), and scared the lifeguard a few times. Finished it off with some meatballs and spaghetti (thanks Mom) and an ice cream cake (thanks Dad). It was a good day.

Lily's 2nd 4th of July and still did not see any fireworks. We were all in bed by the time they were going off. I guess that's what happens sometimes when you have a toddler. Even though Dan and I could here the fireworks as if they were right there in the bedroom with us (even with the a/c on), Lily slept right through them. We are very lucky that loud noises don't bother her.

Watch some videos of the week: Go to our YouTube page HERE.

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On a sad note, I would like to take this time to offer our sincere condolences to the family of one of Dan's best friends who passed away on Tuesday. Dan became friends with John in high school and stayed very close ever since. John had fought Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML) courageously since being diagnosed on September 23, 2011. He leaves behind a very strong wife, Natalie, their 3 year old boy, Alexander, their 20 month old boy, Christian, and his mother and father. 

Please help to find a cure by donating if you can. Go to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and donate in memory of John V. Sopack.

John,
We will continue to fight this fight for you. We will always remember your strength and use it to guide us through life.

We love you and miss you,
The Gormans

1991 - The beginning of a lifelong friendship

1999 - Trip to Cancun

2007 - John's Bachelor Party

17 Months, 2 Weeks

Wow. Has it really been over a month since my last post? Sorry I've been slackin.

Well, here's what's been going on. Lily hasn't really been saying any words yet. She says "Momomom" and I assume she means me but she doesn't call me "Mom" directly. She also says "Da" but again, not really directed at Dan. So, with all the gibberish she does say, the one word that she definitely says and knows what it means and says it on cue is… "Dance." She learned it from Yo Gabba Gabba - her favorite show.


Enjoy some videos from this past month:

Listen carefully. Lily says "Dance" when the song says it!

Lily dances awesomely!

I love that Lily loves to dance!

Lily loves all of her Yo Gabba Gabba friends!

Lily piles up the pillows to get comfy!

And remember you can watch more videos on our YouTube Channel by clicking HERE.

16 Months

Lily is now 16 months old. She has grown so much, even from just a few months ago. She talks like crazy. Literally, like crazy! We don't understand a word she says but she does and I guess that's all that matters. Her favorite thing to do now is shake her head "no." It's always "no" at first. I don't mind though because that only means she is now deciding what she wants and doesn't want. That's a good thing - she's making choices.

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Ok. I'm gonna be totally real here for a second and talk about how I've been feeling for a while now. I don't mean this to be rude in any way. This is just how I feel and if I am wrong or anyone has anything to say about what I am about to write down here, then by all means let me know…

You hear it all the time: 

• A friend gets a boyfriend so "I guess we're not seeing her anymore."
• A friend gets married so "I guess we're not seeing her anymore."
• A friend has a baby so "I guess we're not seeing her anymore."

I would just like to put it out there: Why aren't you seeing her anymore?

Is it because she really is ignoring you? Is it because she wants to spend every waking hour with her significant other or baby? Ok, sometimes, yes, that is the case. BUT, when, let's just say for argument's sake, your friend, who happens to be married with a baby, tries to hang out, even suggests days to do it a few weeks or even a month beforehand, and you don't even give that friend a reply until a couple of days before one of those days is about to occur and your answer is "no." Then you have the audacity to always email or text her - never an actual phone call - that you miss her and "we have to get together soon." What the hell is that about? Your friend with the husband and baby has done all but BEG you for a girls night or day, doesn't matter which because she is a Stay-At-Home-Mom and is ALWAYS free (for the most part), which she has told you time and time again to no avail because it's always "Oh I miss you. We need to get together. Let me know when you're free." Uh, DUH!!! I have said over and over again, "I am free all the time. You're the one who works, you tell me when you're free."

I can go on here but let me just end it with this. I am tired. I am tired of my so called friends who have dropped me because I got married. I am tired of my so called friends who have dropped me because I had a baby. I am tired of trying to make plans when those so called friends always either say "no," or cancel at the last minute. I am tired of reading emails and texts that say "I miss you. We need to see each other soon." I am tired of calling someone a friend who, in all honesty, really isn't anymore.

I hate that my life, the one I am so happily involved in, has made it impossible for me to keep the "friends" that I thought I had. A true friend would find the time. A true friend wouldn't always say, "I miss you" and then do nothing to remedy that. A true friend, no matter how busy life is, would make it a point to keep in touch, if not by hanging out, by a simple phone call or an actual email that we can go back and forth with that involves what's been going on in our lives. A true friend would NEVER ignore a desperate plea to have a girls night/day because a true friend would be concerned about why it was a "desperate plea" to begin with.

Am I done with my so called friends? I don't know. All I know is I was never the one who cancelled plans or said no to a day out. I was the one who suggested days and took the calls, texts, emails that said "no" to hanging out and "sorry but I have to cancel our plans."

For those friends who have actually been keeping in touch, I thank you.

If I get a response out of this then I will know who my real friends are. I will know that my friends actually read this blog. After all, it is a blog about what's going on in my life and you would think that a person who "really misses" me would be reading it.

Sorry. I think I'm finished discussing this topic. 

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On a lighter note, in our Tuesday's Mommy and Me class, Lily went up to almost every kid to steal their name stickers to put on her own shirt. She had 6 stickers by the middle of class!

15 Months, 3 1/2 Weeks

I find myself gazing at Lily from time to time and thinking to myself how much I am in love with her. How my life has forever changed and how I am what I always wanted to be - a Mommy. Then I think of my own mommy. I wonder if she had the same thoughts as I do now. I wonder if she ever gazed at me, not being her first child, but her first baby girl, and thought about ways we were similar. Maybe, how the color of my hair might have been like hers when she was a baby. Or did she gaze at me, like I do Lily, and think how beautiful I was? How my eyes lit up when I got excited about something. Did my mom get a little emotional when I ran up to her legs and hugged them tight, like I do when Lily does that to me? I think about these things from time to time. I think about what it was like for my mom, being much younger than I am now, having 4 children. By the time my mother was the age I am now, 35, her oldest was already 13 and her youngest was 3.

I also think about Dan. How hard it must be for him to leave every morning to go to work. How sad it must make him when I tell him of something new Lily has experienced, without him to see it for the first time himself. Then I think of my own dad. Was it hard for him? Did he ever get sad thinking of all he was missing? My father always worked hard for us. Always having at least 2 jobs, one in the morning and the other at night. I remember how sad it made me to see him leave for work but how happy I was when he came home. I have noticed Lily missing Dan. When we wake up in the morning Dan is already gone. Lily now looks over at his side of the bed and I can imagine her thinking to herself, "Where's Daddy?" Then when he comes home she is so excited to see him. Does she think about him during the day? Did I think about my dad? Or do children have a temporary time of forgetfulness when something or someone isn't there in front of them?

I never knew what it meant to be a parent until having Lily. I never knew, or never truly knew the sacrifices my parents made for us. The emotions you have for your children are strong and deep and no one can honestly grasp what it feels like until you give life. As a kid I thought I knew it all. I thought my parents were, at times, cruel for having certain rules for us. I thought they didn't understand what I was going through and so I barely opened up to them. But I am now certain they knew. As I am certain I will know what Lily is going through. I just hope that I can keep our lines of communication open. I hope Lily doesn't become her mother in that respect. I want Lily to want to talk to me about her life, her dreams, her fears. I'm sorry for not believing I could be open in that way with my own mother. A mother does not judge her child. A mother only hopes her child will make the best choices for a long and happy life. I realize that now.

So, as this Mother's Day is approaching, I'll leave on this note:

I am the luckiest mom to have such a beautiful, happy, and healthy little girl. 

And to my own Mom, I love you and thank you for all you sacrificed and still sacrifice for us. 

15 Months, 2 Weeks

It's really amazing how fast time goes by when you have a child. Lily turned 15 months old on Sunday, the 14th. How weird is that? She's getting so big. Her most favorite thing to do is dance. She doesn't even need music to do it. She must hear a beat in her head and away she goes moving and grooving. If she doesn't do something with music or dancing when she grows up we will be surprised. I guess Dan and I will have to get her into a dance class and some type of music lessons as soon as she's old enough. Can't wait to see her on a stage in a little tutu!

Our dreams of owning our own house are quickly coming to fruition. The seller is taking care of getting a c/o for a part of the house that didn't have one and she has to tear down an old deck before closing. Dan and I wanted the deck removed anyway so that saves us time and money, which is always fantastic! She just signed the contract on Tuesday so, HOORAY! We are "In Contract!" We won't actually close until sometime in July though, but that's fine. There's more things we need to take care of before then - house appraisal, mortgage, who we will use for home insurance, title search, etc.

Took Lily to the doctor for her 15 month check-up on Wednesday, the 17th. She is now 24 lbs, 7 oz and is 30 1/4" tall. Holy moly!!! I'm always told what percentile Lily is in but I don't pay too much attention. As long as she's healthy it's fine by me. You should never compare your child with anybody else's anyway. We are all different and grow at different rates. We all have different bodies so why have the percentiles? I guess just for a baseline, but again, does it really matter? Lily is in the 46th percentile in height and 74th percentile in weight.

"Yummy spinach, pea, & pear pouch all over me!"